The Phantom's Guide on How to Get the Girl of Your Dreams
by TheDarkUnknown
Summary: I believe that this short, but incredibly detailed list will suffice to your expectations. I do hope that this will alleviate your concerns that may require my genius advice. Here are my seven steps in pursuing the unfortunate girl of your dreams. (Title is pretty self-explanatory. EC pairing. Erik's a bit OOC in this story. Just a teeny bit.)


Reader, it is in the most amicable nature that I send you this letter. However, I do admit that it might have taken a few hours (and a few broken pieces of furniture) before I was able to write this note with a cool head. Now, to address the reason for this letter, many of you seem to have taken a particular interest in my opinions on how to pursue… a _romantic relationship_. Your incredulous and utterly ridiculous request baffles me so, as I'm well aware that you know of my solitude. However, since you " _phans_ " of mine have no intention of stopping in annoying me with your persistent letters, I have finally decided to give you your answers. I believe that this short, but incredibly detailed list will suffice to your expectations. I do hope that this will alleviate your concerns that may require my genius advice. Here are my seven steps in pursuing the unfortunate girl of your dreams. Should I receive any more letters of the most idiotic and ridiculous natures, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur. Or, in simpler words that your small minds would comprehend, STOP MAILING ME.

-O.G.

* * *

 **1\. Give her nicknames.**

I have been recently informed by a certain… _acquaintance_ of mine that if you wanted the girl of your dreams to find you endearing, give her an adorable nickname. (I despise that word. _Adorable_. It gives me shudders, but with the goodness that is in my heart, I shall use it to satisfy you ridiculous _phans_.) I should say that if you get this simple step right, then you are headed towards the right direction.

-oOo-

"Mon ange, you do not seem like yourself today. May I inquire what is wrong?"

"Oh, Erik. It's just that…it's my father's death anniversary today, and I just can't help but feel sad!"

"My angel, is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Please don't call me _your angel_. My Papa used to call me that. It creeps me out a little."

"…"

"Erik?"

"Very well, my honey bear. I shall not call you that anymore."

"Honey bear? Where did you get that? Please don't call me that."

"Stupid daroga…"

"Excuse me?"

"Ah, it is nothing. Would you like some tea, sugar baby?"

"…where did you learn that, Erik? Do you even know what that means?"

"Of course I do! Do you think me a fool, Christine?"

"No. But do tell me, what _does_ it mean?"

"It means…well…"

"Well?"

"Shall I call you instead my buttercup? Sweetie pie? Lovey-dove?"

"…Erik…call me _mon ange_."

-oOo-

See? In the end, she practically asked me to call her _mon ange_. However, as happy as I am that I can still call her my angel, that pesky Persian who gave me those stupid nicknames wasn't. He may have acquired a few bruises and a broken nose after I found out what those nicknames meant. That taught me not to trust his " _knowledge of all things modernly Western_ ".

* * *

 **2\. Make sure she is never lonely.**

I have been subject to cruel company that is solitude, and now that I have met Christine, she has given me companionship that I used to believe was never quite attainable. I promised myself that she will never be lonely, so that she will never know the bitterness that has haunted my life for so long. I think it is a good move on my part, isn't it? Make sure your girl is never lonely, and she will come to appreciate your presence in her life.

-oOo-

"Ooh, and that's not the best part, Meg! Do you know what happened after that little squabble? She tried to do a pirouette, but ended up losing her balance and falling face first on the floor of the stage! It shouldn't have been funny, but the look on Carlotta's face was priceless! That will teach her that she can't do _everything_ she believes she could!"

"Christine… Christine…"

"…Meg, you go on ahead to the quarters. We still have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I'll be right there in a few."

"Christine…"

"Erik, stop throwing your voice in my ear. Where are you, anyway? Come out!"

"Forgive me, my dear. But I am happy to be out of that dark mirror."

"Have you been spying on me and Meg?"

"I detest the word spying. Perhaps watching over you would be less cruel a term."

"Erik, really? We already talked about this! You don't need to be constantly hovering around me! You seem like some creepy stalker!"

"…"

"And can't I have at least a little privacy? What, do I have to worry about you following me into the girls' chambers when I do my business as well?"

"Well, if you put it that way…"

"Erik, really?! In the restroom?"

"No, I would never! I just don't want you to ever be lonely. And I respect your modesty, Christine. I would never do anything ungentlemanly towards you!"

"But…?"

"Well, I do admit to waiting behind the door as you do your… _girl business_."

"You… you…Erik, you…UGH!"

-oOo-

Well, Christine did not seem too enthralled by me watching over her, but soon, she'll see my way of thinking. However, after a few more arguments with her, I did promise not to spy on her anymore. Or, at least not to let her know I'm still watching. I can't let her out of my sight! No; that will never happen, indeed. But, should you wish to bestow upon your girl the same gift of companionship, be sure to read her feelings on this, so you do not come off as a creepy stalker. Be discreet, and you'll both be satisfied.

* * *

 **3\. Give her gifts.**

Girls, I have found, love to be showered with tokens of love. It makes them feel special and wanted, don't you think? I, of course, have been informed that the usual gifts are chocolate or flowers. I have already given my girl these customary presents, but as of late, I have been thinking of giving her something more original. I should say that if you give the girl of your dreams something that you had worked on, something that is the result of your own two hands, she will be pleased with the effort you have put on her gift.

-oOo-

" _Floating, falling, sweet intoxication. Touch me, trust me; savour each sensation. Let the dream begin; let your darker side give in to the power of the music that I write. The power of the music of the night…_ "

"Oh, that's beautiful, Erik. You wrote that… _all for me_?"

"Indeed, mon ange. For you are the only one who can give life to my music. _You_ are my music."

"That's so sweet. And the fact that you worked so hard on it…I shall treasure that song, Erik, for the rest of my life."

"Oh, but that's not all I have for you, Christine."

"There's more? But, you already left lots of roses in my dressing room, and don't think that I didn't see the box of chocolates on my dresser! What else could you possibly get me, Erik?"

"I didn't get you anything else, mon ange. I _made_ you this last gift."

"May I see it now? I am dying from anticipation, Erik! Show me what it is that you made for me!"

"Well, I can't have you dying now, can I? Very well. Here it is, mon ange."

"…"

"Mon ange? Christine?"

"…"

"Christine!"

-oOo-

That night was one of the greatest nights in my life. Not only did I take Christine to my home, but I was finally able to show her the life-size replica of her that I made. I was very proud of that masterpiece, indeed. I was able to capture her beauty and innocent personality in the mannequin I made, and I even dressed it in a dazzling white gown that I was sure Christine would love! I chose well, for Christine obviously was stunned by my gift that she fainted. Who wouldn't love an exact, painted, wax sculpture version of themselves?

* * *

 **4\. Cook her a meal.**

I know this one seems too simple and conventional, but I daresay that women appreciate the small things the most. Cook your girl her favourite meal, and she will come to appreciate how you notice even the simplest of details (such as what types of food she prefers and what types she doesn't).

-oOo-

"Christine, look! Mon ange, I have prepared a small meal for you."

"Oh, that's so sweet, Erik. Thank you."

"Yes, and look here. The carrots are chopped into small cubes, approximately two and a half centimetres in length and width. I know that if the size were bigger, you'd have a harder time chewing it into smaller pieces, and if it were smaller, you would hardly taste the carrots at all."

"Um, thanks, I guess? How do you know that?"

"I pay attention to the little details, my dear."

"..."

"And look, your croissant is baked to perfection, with the outer crust being a little crispy and burnt, but not too much, you see. The inside is perfectly soft and delectable, but not too much as to give you the feeling of eating wet sludge. The chocolate filling inside is Swiss chocolate, seeing as how you prefer your country's chocolate over French ones. The wine in your glass is exactly 25 millilitres, seeing as how you will get tipsy if it exceeds that certain amount."

"Uhm…"

"I truly do hope you enjoy your perfect meal, Chrisitine."

"Uhm, thanks. That was very… _detailed and informative_."

"Thank you, my dear."

-oOo-

See? Did it not just warm her heart after she learned that I knew her so well? I truly do pride myself in being a perfectionist. When it comes to my Christine, she deserved nothing but the best.

* * *

 **5\. Don't forget important dates.**

Women just have this ability to remember all the important dates in your relationship, and I know for a fact that most men struggle with this step. Trust me, mon ami. If there's something that would really tick a woman off, it's her man forgetting the important dates.

-oOo-

"Erik! What are all these flowers for?"

"Oh, mon ange. Don't look so surprised. Of course, I will never forget this day. How could you expect me to?"

"Uhm…"

"I really am happy we get to celebrate this special day together."

"…"

"Christine? What is wrong? Do you not appreciate this?"

"Oh, no! I really do appreciate it. It's just…well…"

"Well…?"

"Erik, uhm…what exactly are we celebrating today?"

"…"

"Erik?"

"Something very important happened this day a month ago, Christine."

"Oh! Is it our one-month anniversary, Erik?"

"…"

"Erik…?"

-oOo-

True to my word, I _did not_ forget. However, Christine did, and although it disappointed me, I will not hold it against her. After all, no one _is_ perfect. I just hope that she will remember next time. *Sigh* (And I do not think "one-month anniversary" is a proper term. It contradicts itself, no? Someone should really think of a proper word to describe a relationship's month...sary? Yes, yes. That sounds nice. "Monthsary".)

PS. There you go. I invented a word to replace "month anniversary". You're welcome.

* * *

 **6\. Do not pressure her in doing things she doesn't want to.**

Pressuring a woman to do something she isn't comfortable with will only ruin your chances of a truly happy relationship with her. I'm not just talking about… _marital activities_ , but also of other things. If you force her to eat something she doesn't like, or go somewhere she doesn't want to, I assure you, it will end badly for you.

-oOo-

"Mon ange, I know we had a rocky start, so, I wish for you to know that if you aren't ready for this, it will be alright."

"Oh, Erik. That's sweet, but I _do_ want this."

"Christine, you don't have to lie to me. It's alright. I can wait."

"Erik, can't you understand? I said it is fine with me."

"Christine, I don't want to pressure you in doing this. I appreciate you trying to placate me, but really. I can wait."

"Erik…"

"It's alright, dear. I'll wait for when you're ready."

"…"

-oOo-

Christine really is too sweet a person. But I can tell that she is not ready yet. I will not pressure her. I am willing to wait for it.

* * *

 **7\. Dress nicely and make yourself look presentable.**

Yes, this final step is for you. As you may notice in the previous steps, reader, all of those were for the girl of your dreams. This final step will be for you, but I assure you, it will do wonders to your relationship, and it will definitely make your beloved see you in a different way. Make sure your hair is properly groomed, your clothes neatly pressed, and do not forget to spray on some cologne. Oh, and you have to make sure that your hair is not ridiculously long, like a certain fop that I know. Make sure that the way you cloth yourself also gives off a dark, mysterious class aura. If there is one thing I know about women, it is that they love mystery, and maybe a small sense of danger.

-oOo-

"Erik, is that a new suit? It suits you nicely!"

"Thank you, Christine. It is new, but you need not look so surprised. You know that this is the style in which I normally dress."

"Ah, yes. Of course. But I can't help admiring your new suit; the more so because you're not wearing that dark cape over your clothes again."

"Ah! That is why it seems colder than usual. Thank you for reminding me, Christine. I'll be back. I just need to fetch my cape."

"No! Erik, you look fine. You don't need that cape. And frankly, I don't like it when you wear that old thing."

"What?"

"Well, when you wear it, you seem like you're hiding in the shadows. Most of the time, I have a hard time seeing you."

"But, Christine, the cape is the sole piece that completes my ensemble!"

"Ah, no need to get dramatic, Erik. The way you dress can put even the king of France to shame."

"…"

"Erik?"

"Do you really think so, Christine? The way I dress is better than the king's?"

"Oh, Erik. *Giggles* Of course. I wouldn't say a thing if it weren't true!"

"Even better than Raoul's?"

"Sigh…Erik, we talked about this. You don't have to worry about Raoul anymore. We're just friends. But if it will appease you…yes, the way you dress is better than the way Raoul dresses himself. Just promise me that you won't wear that cape anymore."

"Of course! Anything for you, my dear. I would not want to lose my pedestal to that fop."

"What now? Pedestal? Fop? Erik, what?"

"Nothing, my dear."

"Erik…"

"Oh, look! Our food is ready! Let us eat, my dear."

"Erik!"

* * *

There. Mon ami, here are the seven steps in how to pursue the unfortunate girl of your dreams. I truly think that with my genius advice, even the most idiotic man can pull this off. Now that I have responded to your persistent letters, I do hope that you will leave me in peace.

(Disclaimer: The OG will not be responsible if you idiotic and ridiculous phans somehow get hurt, maimed, or killed if you fail to do the seven steps perfectly. Furthermore, the OG will also not be responsible if the unfortunate girl of your dreams does not return your feelings, and instead chooses to distance herself from you.)

Before I end this letter, I want you to remember, my dear reader, the warning that I gave in the beginning of this list. Should I receive any more letters of the most idiotic and ridiculous natures, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur. Or, in simpler words that your small minds would comprehend, STOP MAILING ME.


End file.
